Seen in Heidelberg

You probably think you have us all fooled... but everyone knows that Americans don't ride bicycles, you impostor!

Serious Question

What on earth is Hamburger Sauce? 

Addendum by Mooter:

I had a hamburgers and apple pie going away WG dinner and I saw this and was all wtf and so we bought and...I still can't tell you what it is after having eaten it, but it isn't American. P&W, you can't fool me with that flag on your logo.

Yes, I have learned a lot at my internship....

Like these wonderful phrases!

Lieber sich den Magen verrenkt als dem Wirt was gschenkt. - I would rather wreck my stomach than give something back to the host.

Ich heißt I, Ei heißt egg, Eck heißt Corner, Koana heißt nobody. - Bavarian phrase that I'm not going to bother to explain

Im dunklen ist gut munkeln. - In the dark is good gossip

Der hat wohl einen Furz quer stecken.  - He's got a stick up his butt (Literally:  He's got a fart stuck in him.)

Small Victories

Coming soon...

A cooperation between ZDB and various participants in my program will hopefully result in a music video to my song, "Wed Me Maybe" (Here's a link to the original song video, so you can sing along):


I forgot some paperwork 
The Auslandsamt went beserk
I just need you for this perk
And now you’re in my way. 

I trade my soul for a chance,
pennies and dimes for a dance
I’m just looking for romance 
And now you're in my way
Your hair was geled back
And your clothes are so wack
Ew, Check out that fanny pack 
But where you think you're going, baby?

Hey, I just met you,and this is crazy, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe?
It's hard to look right,at you baby, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe?
Hey, I just met you,and this is crazy, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe?
And all the Ami-boys,try to chase me, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe? 

You only talk of fußball 
But at least you’re kind of tall 
I’m not looking for it all 
And you're in my way


I beg and stalk and I steal
At first sight, I know it's real
I know you can feel it,
cuz it's in my way


Your stare was burnin'
Now my stomach's churnin'
Cuz you're so fricken' German
So where you think you're going baby?  


Hey, I just met you,and this is crazy, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe?
It's hard to look right,at you baby, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe?
Hey, I just met you,and this is crazy, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe?
And all the Ami-boys,try to chase me, but I need a visa, so wed me maybe? 


Before you came into my life I got deported, I got deported etc. 
Before you came into my life I got deported and you should know that I need you so so bad

It's hard to look right,at you baby,but I need a visa, so wed me maybe? 

Hey, I just met you,and this is crazy,but I need a visa, so wed me maybe? 
And all the Ami-boys try to chase me but I need a visa, so wed me maybe? 
Before you came into my life I got deported. 
Before you came into my life I got deported and you should know that I need you so so bad
Before you came into my life I got deported and you should know that, so wed me, maybe? 

Why do I have to leave??

Oh yeah, because I didn't find a job here.

With songs like this, it's easy to see why I'm so sad to leave Dresden.

Vokabeln EM Edition

My two new favorite German phrases, inspired by the EM.

Public Viewing- love it when words in a foreign language aren't actually foreign, makes my life a lot easier.

Jogi on the big screen!

mitfiebern/fanfiebern- there's an epidemic sweeping across Germany, a fever you can't sweat out. The experts are calling it "Fußball Fieber"--it's extremely contagious and you should, like, totally fever with!

Symptoms: schwarz/rot/gold rash on the face, irrational desire to wear ridiculous hats, wrap yourself in a German flag, or set off smoke bombs

But seriously, I am loving all of the German-ness going on. And as much as I hate to admit it, "Endless summer" is growing on me. Schlaaaaaand!

Ahhhh the beautiful tropical beaches of Poland and Ukraine. Oh wait...

Yet another thing I love about Germany:

The Über-30 party.

Who says just because you're over thirty you don't want to drink the night away at a party with 4 dance floors? It seems like whenever you go to irgendeinem Kaff in Germany, you will inevitably see a neon colored Ü-30 Party sign, and it makes me happy that all the German 30-somethings have so many opportunities to party like it's 1999.

 

In case you've ever wanted to learn how to speak Sächsisch...

Half-Guest Post

So we have this entire blog dedicated to making fun of Germans, so why not give the Germans a chance at making fun of us?  I asked my German BFFs what I did that they considered "typical American".  My deutsche BFFin came up with some pretty good answers.  I call this a half-guest post, because my deutsche BFFin didn't technically write this, she explained it to me and I have made it into blog-suitable form.

1) Convenience Foods - I made tacos for my two German BFFs.  Normally in the US I would buy a bag of pre-cut, pre-mixed taco lettuce, but in Germany pre-cut salad bags really don't exist.  I was at a loss.  Never in my life have I bought a simple head of lettuce before and I really did not know what to do or what to choose.  My inability to function without bags of mixed salad is apparently an American stereotype

2) Heavily Processed Foods - We were watching She-Devil and I saw a can of Easy Cheese.  I often say that the only time I feel home sick is when I think about food or my cats and the sight of Easy Cheese made me have a craving for Ritz Crackers and Easy Cheese.  Most people who know Germans would know that the thought of eating cheese out of something that resembles an aerosol can would sound terrifying to them.  To this day, she is baffled by my love for Easy Cheese.

3) Sweet Tooth - I used to take regular trips to the military base before my friend turned 23 and ceased to be a military dependent.  Occasionally would bring back food for the two of them to try.  One time, I brought over a bunch of cans of cream soda.  They didn't say it was disgusting and seeing as Germans are terribly direct people, I can only accept that they were being honest.  However, Deutsche BFFin DID try to dilute her cream soda with water because it was too sweet for her.

4) Friends - Germans are a little more careful about who they call their friends.  There are 73 other Americans in Germany with my program right now and if I tell a story about them, I would call any one of them my friend.  Germans might think this is insincere, but really, friendship isn't zero-sum.  And plus, who DOESN'T want 73 friends?

You know you live in Germany when...

The club you're in starts playing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.  You know you've been in Germany too long when you just shrug and dance to it anyway.

Sad News

For all of you ZDB loyal readers (and I know you are legion), I have sad news. The German federal state is making me leave in exactly 17 days. Mostly this is sad news for me, but it also means I will no longer be able to publicly make fun of things about Germany and the US and get away with it because, hey, I'm an expat Eurobum.

Leaving Germany has brought about a lot of emotions and thoughts for me. Of course I will be happy to see my family and friends again and I will miss everyone here, but what's really keeping me up at night are question like what am I going to do with all these perfectly good pillows I have or how will I ever be motivated to recycle plastic without the Pfand system?

And currently, the greatest question of them all is how am I ever going to know what to buy without Stiftung Warentest or Ökotest ratings??

I mean look at all this toothpaste! How will I even know where to begin without the rigorous testing and straightforward, honest labeling?

This leaving Germany thing is definitely reaching crisis level.

One thing I've never understood...

Germany is a country that appears to spend a lot of time and money keeping things clean, particularly sidewalks, particularly by hiring people to actually sweep the sidewalks both night and day.

So why in the world is dog poop an exception? Seriously people.

I would much rather step on, say, a Bounty wrapper than dog shit any day, but maybe that's just me. And ok, if cleaning up after your dog is not a cultural thing, that's fine but maybe try to have them aim at the side of the sidewalk instead of dead center?

Eurovision

I'm not gonna lie, I love Eurovision.  The extravagance, the glam, it's wonderful!  You can check out the girl who won here

I get that the girl from Sweden did an awesome performance and had a kick-ass song... and Loreen I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Woki mit deim Popo was the best Eurovision performance of all time.

Seriously, the fact that they were unable to recognize the genius of that performance indicates that Europe has much worse problems than the economy.  The group is called Trackshittaz, which should've been your first indication of the beauty that was to come, Eurovision!  Russia gets honorable mention.

Also, can someone please explain what is going on in this video?? 

Deutscher BFF erklärt Deutschland Part 2

Me:  Warum muss man zahlen um auf der Toilette zu gehen?  Die deutsche Mafia kriegt das Geld, oder?

Deutscher BFF:  Ne, das Geld is für die Kloschüsselmonster!  Wer nicht zahlt, wird gebissen

Translation

Me: Why do you need to pay to go to the bathroom here?  The German mafia gets the money, right?

Deutscher BFF:  No, the money is for the toilet-bowl-monsters!  Whoever doesn't pay, is bitten!


My popo hurts enough from all this bike riding I'm doing.  Guess I better pay up....

How I felt the first time I rode a bike on my own

Seriously, it's a scary world out there without your Deutsche BFFin to guide you around... Riding a bike in Germany is like guerilla warfare.

Deutscher BFF erklärt Deutschland

Me: Whyyyy is there so much PDA in this country?  It's because you guys don't have a word for awkward, isn't it?

BFF: 1) Apparently you have not been to France 2) Why hide something that can be so beautiful? 3) We like to show off?


I guess that's one way of looking at it?  But seriously, Germans don't like to hide their love (or is it their lust??).

When I receive that judgmental German stare from a stranger

The first time I was like

Now I'm just like

You know you live in Germany when...

You look out the window at work and you see some guy changing his daughter's diaper from the back of his BMW in the middle of the parking lot.

When a German tells me a dish is spicy

I'm just like 

Schiffsverkehr

Last night I went to a Herbert Grönemeyer concert with a friend who lives in Düsseldorf and 20,000 other friends from Dresden. In the words of a person who commented on this video from the concert last night, "Es war wieder der Hammer, das Konzert gestern in Dresden," or in my words, it was absolutely fabulous and further proves the fact that my mentor teacher is a baller because er hat mir die Karten geschenkt. But I was sorely disappointed when I searched the internet and there were no dubstep remixes. Germany and the internet, you have failed me!!
Although...maybe I have a new artistic/life calling now.